Horizontal Repentance: 3 Signs of Worldly Grief

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 2 Cor. 7:10

By: Carol McClain @carol_mcclain

New York State has annual regents exams. Like all tests, they have strict guidelines. If a student asks directions on how to answer, teachers were instructed to say, "Read the question and do your best."

One question asked students to write a letter for a specific purpose. The instructions asked them to only write the body of the letter. However, the kids had been taught through eleven years of schooling that letters had return addresses, business addresses, salutations, and closings. For this test, we'd told them--let's round the number up to the closest guestimate--a billion times to answer this standard question like an essay: intro, body, conclusion.

While proctoring, a young woman raised her hand. I went to see her need.

"Do I use my address? They didn't give me their's" she said.

"Read the instructions." I can be trained to respond appropriately.

"But I don't have all the information..."

And around it went, until my normal teaching habits kicked into automatic responses. "No. Remember? It's just the body. Beginning, middle, end." 

Of course, my department head caught me. Turned me in for cheating. Got me written up.

Never had I been disciplined in my work. I believed my integrity had been assaulted, and I spent months (literally) in tears and sorrow.

A good friend Barry comforted me. One phrase he said knocked into me the realization about my melodrama. "Are you sorry for what you did, or that you got caught?"

Insulted, I couldn't admit to him he was correct. Not admitting it prolonged my grief.

I didn't want to cheat. Never intended to do so. I couldn't admit it then, but the grief of having a formal reprimand drove me out of my mind.

This is horizontal grief. Worldly repentance. 

Not godly.

Signs of Worldly Grief

1. I'm sorry if... I'm sorry you... Do you cast your apology in terms of the other person disapproving. "I'm sorry if my actions offend you." "I'm sorry you didn't like that." It's not about you being wrong. It's about the other person being offended by your actions.
2. If you weren't caught, would you be sorry or feel the grief? In my example, I knew instantly that I goofed, and I would have striven to never make the mistake again. In that sense, my grief was godly. However, even though I couldn't admit it, Barry was right. Had I not been caught, my sorrow would not have overcome me.
3. Did it effect raw emotions only or did it prompt change? Emotions change. If you haven't given your wrongdoings to God, Satan will buffet you with them. If you've confessed and striven to change your life, then it's godly repentance.

Quick Tweets

Horizontal repentance: 3 signs of worldly grief. (click to tweet)

Three signs of worldly/not godly grief. (click to tweet)

To Forgive=To Forget--Part 2 The How To

Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

By: Carol McClain @carol_mcclain

Without forgiveness, the hurts of our lives cling to us like the smoke wildfires.

We burn each time we finger the seared surface.

God knows our pain. After all, He forgave the unpardonable. Upon the cross, after brutal torture despite His innocence, Jesus said, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do." If He forgave, so can we.

How?

Four Ways to Achieve Forgiveness

1.               Make the decision to forgive. Alcoholics and drug addicts must admit their shortcomings in order to find sobriety. Likewise, in overcoming unforgiveness, we must decide this is something we will do. The anguish won't necessarily go away instantaneously, but over time, it will fade.

2.               Every time you replay the offense say, "I forgive." At first you'll sound like a broken record. Eventually, you'll find you're "forgiving" less and the memories will distance themselves from your life.

3.               Don't expect the perpetrator to change. You are the one who needs to be healed. Other people are responsible for their own lives.

4.               Talk to a trusted friend. This person must be a proven confident, not simply anyone who is within earshot.

5.               Talk to a counselor. Broken friendships, insults, misunderstandings and other petty things can heal by themselves. However, for the monstrous issues, you need a trained professional be it a church pastor or a psychiatrist. Do not be ashamed to reach out for help.

6.               Use your experience to heal others. We've heard of people who have started self-help groups, inspired legislation or simply have become mentors to those suffering the same heartache. By giving to others, your own sorrow can be calmed.

I've used each of the above and can attest to their efficacy. With forgiveness, the welt of a scar might remain, but the pain doesn't.

Quick Tweets

Six ways to forgive and forget. (click to tweet)

If you forgive, the pain will ease. (click to tweet)

Best New Year's Resolution

Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34

By: Carol McClain @carol_mcclain

If Jesus forgave his murder, how can we not forgive others?

I have a guarantee on how to make the world better. MUCH better.

It's New Year's and nearly half of us make resolutions. Of that half, only 8% stick.

Oh yuck. I can hear you groan. Why bother if such a minuscule number of resolutions stick?

 But if 8% of the United States gave forgiveness as their resolution, can you imagine how many lives would be redeemed?

You tell me it's easy to forgive Uncle Fred for putting nuts in the turkey dressing this last Christmas even though you're deathly allergic to them and had to eat a cream cheese sandwich for dinner. Uncle Fred's a good guy.

But what about...

• the friend who stole your boyfriend?
• the drug dealer who tricked you into years of addiction?
• the sister who embezzled the family inheritance?
• the brother who raped you, the stranger who murdered your best friend, the__?

Yes. Forgive them.

Forgiveness doesn't say the deed was justified, that things are peachy. It NEVER insists you have an association with that person if the fault was egregious. Nor does forgiveness demand the person not pay for his or her crime.

What forgiveness does is set you free. 

1. You have lower stress.
2. The person no longer stalks you in your mind, in your thoughts, in your psyche.
3. It lessens not only psychological pain, but your physical pain, as well.
4. It lowers your blood pressure.
5. It extends your life

Forgiveness isn't always easy--put it is possible.

My latest novel, The Poison We Drink, explores the power of forgiveness. Unforgiveness, and its attendant bitterness, is a poison we drink hoping our enemy will die.

Buddha likens it to holding a coal hoping to burn the perpetrator.

Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's about setting you free. Imagine how much more beautiful the world would be if 8% of us forgave.

In the weeks to come, we'll explore how to forgive.

Quick tweets

For New Year's resolve to forgive. (click to tweet)

Forgiving others sets you free. (click to tweet)

Gifts: What We Got For Christmas

And I will put enmity 

            Between you and the woman, 

            And between your seed and her seed; 

            He shall bruise you on the head, 

            And you shall bruise him on the heel.” Gen. 3:15

By: Carol McClain @carol_mcclain

Most important thing about Christmas? What we got.

Christmas presents are a lot like us--wrapped up bright and shiny. Beautiful bows and trinkets adorn the packages. They glitter under the Christmas tree.

Then we unwrap them and find a Christmas sweater two sizes too big, a waxy candle shaped like a Santa or a glow- in-the-dark toilet seat. We've all gotten the white elephant disguised as a pretty gift.

And that's pretty much a metaphor for us. Or at least me.

I can wrap myself up with Christian words. I smile and agree to wash dishes after the church dinner. I volunteer my time to work on the Board of Habitat for Humanity. However, inside, something's broken.

For most of my life, I've struggled with the white elephant stomping my soul--even during my years as a Christian. Something in my life made me believe I still had to earn God's favor. Maybe it was my Catholic faith that taught me no sin could ever be erased and thus we spend time in Purgatory. Maybe it was a dysfunctional childhood and my unwillingness to talk to others and discover the world didn't function much better. Or my mistaken concept of humility--put yourself down whenever complimented?

From the very beginning of time, God prepared His Christmas gift. Last week, I said Psalm 103 should be part of the Christmas cannon. This week, it's Genesis 3:15

God's Gifts to Us:

1. We are redeemed.
2. We are forgiven.
3. We do not have to do anything to earn it except unwrap the gift and claim it as our own.

If we accept this gift, guilt, suffering, condemnation--all the things humankind struggles with--will be healed.

I guarantee it.

Quick Tweet

Your dysfunction can function. God's Christmas gift. (click to tweet)

What God gave us for Christmas. (click to tweet)

How to Overcome What You Don't Want to Overcome

 Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:7-8

 The very first verses of James, chapter 4, of course, do not apply to us. "What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?" 

Or perhaps not to you. I hate to admit it--but here I will, to the multitude who visit this blog...sometimes I quarrel. 

When I know I'm right

Take for example this election. Neil wants Marco Rubio to win. I know only Bernie Sanders can dig us out of the snowstorm of errors this country created. I'm right. He's wrong.

Once in my life I had a conflict that had no resolution--one that couldn't be settled by the mere fact I was right. My pastor of this time and I did not see eye to eye on most everything. No matter what I did, I didn't seem to measure up. I craved service in my church--but was continually judged as lacking. Finally, I was pushed over the edge, and this normally laid-back lady blew her top. What caused it?

Perhaps it was the time I was asked to step down from choir, or my name was removed from the nominations of deacon or was told, "You have grown so much, but there's still something--can't define it--that isn't right." (How do you fight that?)

I'm sure you faced such situations: A husband refuses to let you sign your son up for karate lessons because... A friend doesn't include you in a girls' outing to the movies because... An employer doesn't give you the raise you deserve because...

How do you overcome genuine hurts you do not wish to forgive?

Here's how.

Submit yourself to God and He will do it.

Yikes. It's easier said that executed (especially when execution sounds pretty good).

Here's what worked for me when I was grievously wounded. I knew, despite my pastor's misjudgment, that when he went to heaven, God would say to him, "Well done my good and faithful servant."

God would say that to me, as well.

Neither of us were perfect, both were doing what we believed was right. So I had to forgive. I didn't want to. My prayer became: "God, make be want to forgive."

Then I thought about it. I didn't really want to be made to forgive. So I prayed again. "Lord, make me want to want to forgive." 

A few moments later, I prayed, "Make me want to want to want to forgive."

Then...

You get the message.

And guess what? I did.

In my above examples from my own life, I had to give a composite of little things I recalled. The real grievance has long been forgotten. To me, a real sign of true forgiveness.

When we resist the devil and draw near to God--well, the rest is gravy.

As for Rubio verses Sanders?

We all know who picked the right candidate.

The Quality of Mercy: James 2:13

"For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment "James 2:13.

"Henry" grew up in a home parented by an alcoholic father and a distant mother. With no familial example, he turned to drugs by the time he was thirteen. By his mid-twenties, he'd been twice married, twice divorced. He lost his children, ended up in jail.

He should have known better having seen his parents' life. He should be punished for his robberies, drug dealing, inept parenting. He should have...

True. Though, we need to remember we all have sinned in some fashion, and in breaking one part of God's commandments, we've broken them all. Thankfully, Henry's story didn't end with a life of incarceration.

With the new drug laws for non-violent offenders, Henry was offered drug court in lieu of a continued sentence. This procedure is essentially a civil action that depends on the will-power of the addict to stay clean and to be accountable. It's a step toward mercy.

Better for Henry, he found himself in a residential, God-centered rehabilitation program. Here, with a close reading of Scriptures, a program much like AA's Twelve Step program AND social and emotional support, he's been clean for close to a year.

His sister had been granted custody of his children. Prior to his joining the drug program, she refused all contact with her brother. Now, given his progress, he's established visitation again.

Relationships are being restored. Henry's beginning to give back to the society he robbed, and a life is redeemed.

"For judgment will be merciless
to one who has shown no mercy;
mercy triumphs over judgment "James 2:13.

He's not an isolated case. I work with CR (Celebrate Recovery), a Christian-based course that builds its precepts on the Beatitudes. It consists of worship, testimony, study, small group, accountability partners and sponsors. If a person struggling with addictive behaviors or co-dependency so wishes, he/she can take an intensive six-month study.

This community redeems the lost. Not every individual shown mercy here does turn her life around. However, many dear friends, people I've quickly formed close alliances with, had been former addicts, and some had been rightly imprisoned for their actions.

It's a network of beautiful lives restored because of mercy.

Mercy must be extended through all facets of our society, not just to addicts. Black lives, just as police lives, matter. Let's understand and work for mercy. Poverty is sometimes self-inflicted, other times it's a matter of circumstances. How can mercy not help? Christians are mocked, just as Muslims are discriminated against. Can we reach a Muslim with the truth of Jesus without mercy? Can we allow the Holocaust to resurrect because of another religious intolerance?

If one person out of ten is pulled out of the fire by mercy, we've achieved much.

Shakespeare said in The Merchant of Venice:

The quality of mercy is not strained;

It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven

Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest;

It blesseth him that gives and him that takes...

That, in the course of justice, none of us

Should see salvation...

And aren't the last two lines so true? Who here would have salvation without God's mercy? In James 2:13, we receive a chilling warning if we have not mercy...our own judgment will be merciless.

You can beat injustice: #chattanoogastrong

Our world's run amok. Hatred dominates. Freddie Gray and Michael Brown die at the hands of the police and Baltimore and Ferguson erupt in riots. People loot and burn the property of their neighbors. They turn on their community and make it safe for no one. They create a wasteland that will only promulgate more crime.

What is gained? We learn about police brutality. Arrests are made. Investigations begun. Meanwhile, communities become devastated.

Then we have the Mother Emmanuel murders. Pure hate crime, motivated only because of the color of the victims' skin. 

And most recently--Chattanooga. Five young men who dedicated their lives for our freedom were gunned down by a crazed youth who believed he was doing Allah's will.

In these last two murders, the reactions of those connected to the communities were diametrically opposite Baltimore and Ferguson. Those in Charleston begged for no riots. Flowers, balloons, candles and messages of peace were left at the scene. People of all faiths fell to their knees and prayed for their community. People of all color and all faiths packed Emmanuel AME Church for prayer services.

So, too, in Chattanooga. No riots arose from the despicable act done out of hatred. Vigils, prayers and a community bound by their love helped one another grieve and heal. The city didn't rob from others. Instead, donations pour in for the victims' families. The end result is a community stronger and more allied than before the heinous crimes.

Four horrible acts done in the last year--and two distinct ways of handling them.

For most of us, this kind of injustice is witnessed only on TV. Yet daily, we face inequity and maltreatment, and it cuts to our core.

I am divorced. My ex-husband cheated and eventually married his girlfriend. Our marriage, from the start was fraught with difficulty. I was told by one pastor, that even though the divorce happened prior to my salvation, I could never marry again. That was it. Cut off when even Jesus recognized infidelity as a permissible reason to dissolve a marriage. How should I have reacted? Refused Christianity? Turn from God? Or as Jesus did when others maligned him throughout history?

A dear friend suffers from serious health issues. She's had consistent surgeries, and each one creates a new issue that must be addressed. How does the church treat her? Some assume she's a hypochondriac. Some avoid her. How should she react?

How to face injustice:

Forgiveness. 

This is not to excuse injustice. Jesus did not condone his crucifixion. Instead, he said "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23: 34 , NASB).

How does one forgive?

1. Desire to forgive. If it's too hard to even desire, for many people have faced situations that are brutal, ask God for the desire to desire to forgive.
2. Do not dwell on the injustice. Every time you recall the wrong doing, pray simply, "Father, I forgive." You may not mean it. You may repeat this 60 times an hour. However, I know from experience, it works.
3. Eliminate the phrase, "I may forgive, but I'll never forget." That means you haven't forgiven. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the perpetrator. It has everything to do with you. Once healed, the memory of the abuse/inequity/trials will fade, and your healing will arise.

"Yet those who [wait for the Lord/ Will gain new strength;/ They will [b]mount up with [wings like eagles,/ They will run and not get tired,/ They will walk and not become weary" (Is. 40: 31, NASB).

What works for you? What do you struggle with? Leave a comment. You need not struggle alone. I will talk, and I will pray.

The Appetite of Vengeance by Jennifer Slattery: Psalm 103: 6

“Vengeance is a monster of appetite, forever bloodthirsty and never filled.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich, The Tarishe Curse

Few wounds hurt as deeply as betrayal. It pains our hearts, shatters our trust, destroys relationships, and most notably, awakens our inner sense of justice. Ah, vengeance! To make the other pay for what they did, or at the very least, to feel the same pain they have caused us.

Whenever I think of betrayal, mine or someone else’s, I can’t help but think of Joseph. (Gen. 37-50) That poor man was betrayed continuously! First by his family then by his boss, then by two men he helped in a darkened dungeon. And how did Joseph respond? With bitterness, spending his time calculating how he’d get even? Or at the very least, how he’d alert everyone to how greatly he’d been wronged?

Nope. He responded with praise-filled surrender, because he knew God had it all—Joseph’s hurts, dreams, and current circumstances—under control. More than that, he knew God is a God of justice. It’s part of His very nature. Couple this with His Father’s heart, and you’ve got an all-powerful, ever-present, completely just and righteous God who, at this very moment, is working all things—all things!— for our good (Rom. 8:28) and His eternal purposes.

That means that betrayal that completely leveled us and even now causes our teeth to grind will be used for our good.

Consider this, speaking of Jesus, Paul said, “This man was handed over to you by God’s set purposes and foreknowledge; and you, with the help of wicked men, put Him to death by nailing Him to the cross” (Acts 2:23—emphasis mine).

Speaking of this, in his book, The Peace Maker, Ken Sande says, “[God] chose not to restrain the acts of evil men so that His plan of redemption would be fulfilled through the death and resurrection of His Son.” (Rom. 3:21-26) (Pg. 61)

In other words, God allowed His only beloved Son to be betrayed to the point of death so that you and I might be saved. Pause and meditate on this for a moment—the very God that allowed you to be betrayed or wounded in a situation is the same one who allowed His son to be betrayed and wounded—for you. That’s a lot of love—incomprehensible love. Enough love to warrant our full surrender and trust, even when betrayed.

Because we either believe God is all-loving, or we don’t.

We either believe He’s all-powerful or we don’t.

We either believe He’s all knowing or we don’t.

We either believe He’s just and righteous or we don’t.

And let’s not forget, it was our sin that drove Christ to the cross in the first place—that led to His betrayal unto death.

If we believe those things, and if we remind ourselves of those things, especially when we’re hurting, our response to our offender will be utterly different.

Because grace changes everything and takes vengeance off the table, replacing it with surrender and praise.

Vengeance never belonged to us, anyway. As Romans 12:19 says, “Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, ‘I will take revenge; I will pay them back,’ says the LORD” (NIV).

And as Psalm 103:6, today’s focal verse says, “The Lord gives righteousness and justice to all who are treated fairly.”

In other words, God will deal with appropriately—righteously—with the offender and the offended. So take a deep breath and let it go. It’s too big of a burden for you to carry, anyway. And in trying, chances are, we’ll only get in God’s way.

As you read today’s devotion, did one hurt or person rise to the forefront of your mind? If so, ask God to take that from you, then trust Him to work all things out—for your good.

Jennifer Slattery writes soul-stirring fiction for New Hope Publishers, a publishing house passionate about bringing God’s healing grace and truth to the hopeless. She also writes for Crosswalk.com, Internet Café Devotions, and the group blog, Faith-filled Friends. When not writing, Jennifer loves going on mall dates with her teenage daughter and coffee dates with her handsome railroader husband.

Visit with Jennifer online at JenniferSlatteryLivesOutLoud. 

Her debut novel, Beyond I Do, is currently on sale at Amazon for under $4 (print and kindle version)! You can get that here: http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-I-Do-Jennifer-Slattery-ebook/dp/B00MMRRCZU/

When Dawn Breaks:

As the hurricane forces Jacqueline to evacuate, her need for purpose and restitution propel her north to her estranged and embittered daughter and into the arms of a handsome new friend. However, he’s dealing with a potential conspiracy at work, one that could cost him everything, and Jacqueline isn’t sure if he will be the one she can lean on during the difficult days ahead. Then there are the three orphans to consider, especially Gavin. Must she relinquish her chance at having love again in order to be restored?

Read a free, 36-page excerpt here: http://issuu.com/newhopedigital/docs/slattery_sampler/1

You can buy a copy here:

On Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/When-Dawn-Breaks-A-Novel/dp/1596694238/

On Barnes and Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-dawn-breaks-a-novel-jennifer-slattery/1120694122?ean=9781596694231

On CBD: http://www.christianbook.com/when-dawn-breaks-a-novel/jennifer-slattery/9781596694231/pd/694231

From the Heart: Praying for Forgiveness

When cut to the quick by those who should have loved us, the pain hurts more than the wounds of a stranger and Jesus certainly understands this more than we. We know the Scriptural admonition to forgive--and this doesn't mean to condone or accept because wrong is wrong. However, we know we are flawed individuals, and we each have erred. And forgiveness is not an option. When we me our Father on Judgment Day we want to hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant" not "I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoer!"

So how do we forgive, especially when we were right--clearly and without pride? (and remember, this isn't always the case--we are human, after all).

The first step is to pray for the offender which is not easy and often our will rebels against it. However, we cannot hold the sin against the believer--whatever we forgive on earth is forgiven in heaven, and we certainly want forgiveness from God and people for ourselves. To get that, we must give it.

One trick I've found that works when I do not want to pray for something goes like this: "Lord, help me want to pray for forgiveness." Sometimes I go a step further and pray that I want to want to--because I know how to hold onto a grudge. Usually I couple those prayers with an actual petition for the offender, and I'm honest. I tell God I may not mean it now, but I want to mean it. Eventually, my prayers become sincere.

Prayers restorative. Read James 5:16 and see. Although verse 15 talks about praying for the physically ill-- it has an application beyond the physical. "...confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

For me, I want to be able to fix things--do something. However, we cannot forgive unless we lean on God our Father. This is the first step.

My next post will explore concrete steps to take.