The Confession Conundrum: Step 1--Quit Denying

Step 1. Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. Step 1, Celebrate Recovery.

One of the first principles in Celebrate Recovery, a Bible based version of AA, is to quit denying you have a problem. One way you deny, is to not confess your fault to another. By refusing to admit our shortcomings, we put on airs and delude ourselves to think we are more righteous than Jesus.

Of course, I'm not self-righteous. And I assume you aren't either.

I should have gotten the hint about my secret sin when I went to my first newcomers' meeting. We introduced ourselves, and I feared all the participants, including the woman who lead the group would think I was a recovering junkie. The woman leading it was prominent in the church, after all.

You'd be proud. I bit my lip. Didn't jump up and say, "I'm NOT an alcoholic. I'm just here to help you guys get straight."

No brownie points?

Anyway, the time to leave came and the two dudes I sat with needed vouchers. Their visits, unlike mine, were mandated. We each got our first token to mark the start of our path to recovery.

I put on my big girl smile, and took my coin with grace. Next week I'd go to my first real small group.

Thursday rolled around, and I followed a sweet woman who had befriended me to the group she led. Here we introduced ourselves.

My friend didn't say, "Carol is hear to learn to minister." Nope. She treated me just like everyone else. We introduced ourselves with a brief reason as to why we were there. Here I encountered the problem from the week before. I was here to help--not to be helped.God had other things in mind.

We examined  the lesson. It dealt with denial.

In the pauses I studied the people--all very much like the voucher-boys from the week before, drug-using thin, dependent on druggie boyfriend, poorly dressed, too heavy. Oy. I needed help.

Things went downhill from there. My friend said it was time for each of us to confess what we were struggling with. I wasn't an alcoholic, didn't attend because of drugs. I lived to the best of my abilities. In my brain, I couldn't come up with a reason to be there.

It wasn't long before I knew my sin--one you guessed by paragraph #2. However, I couldn't tell the women in the group. I never can tell them. Because I know the ravages of alcoholism and have heard the stories of drug addiction, I want to help. If I confessed to them, could they ever open up to me? Would I ever become a friend and confident and see them as the beautiful creation they are?

In truth, I don't think so. Yet, step one says we're helpless to change ourselves. We're not God. The key here is to admit we are powerless.

So I'll start my repentance here.

My name is Carol and I am a Pharisee. I judge superficially, and I know I do. I cannot stop the thoughts from popping into my brain, but if I lean on RC's first principal and remember that I am not God, He will change all that.

What do you struggle with? Don't deny. Find a safe place. Confess and let God heal.


If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:19

How To Be Happy: Sew Simple

Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot" (Ecc. 5:18).

I used to love to sew. That is after I pinned the pattern and before I had to rip out seams. Picking the pattern, the material and seeing the dress form under my hands delighted me.

Oh, I could also do without the finishing.

Then one day it hit me. Why did I like sewing? Half of it I despised. I made the decision--to find joy in the minutiae of it. I strove to

lay it out perfectly. I sang as I ripped stitches and strove to make my finish work as fine as the broad strokes. Thus today's Scripture.

To enjoy life, we must:

1. Find joy in the little things. Is it too cold? Look at the glittering frost, note it's beauty.
2. Love our job. Some of us do "traditionally" great things--teach, nurse, police, protect. Others pull a lever, drive a truck, cash out customers. What's good in our job? It pays the rent or we get to work on the road away from the idiots in the office or we can chat with a wide variety of weirdos. Each job brings us joy.
3. Enjoy our sustenance. We have homes. Maybe not million dollar ones with hardwood floors. But they keep us warmer than the elements. We have food. Steak may be too pricey, but who doesn't love pasta?
4. Be grateful. We live. We feel the warmth of carpet on our toes, the embrace of a child, the fellowship of believers, the taste of olives, the kiss of a spouse, the sight of a sunrise, the touch of a breeze. We have electric, heat, water from a tap, vehicles, shelter.
5. Fellowship is our Maker. Even those of us who know Him, fear our death. But in the end, eternity will wipe away all our tears--and if we truly know God, our moments here on earth are finer.

For what are you grateful?

Being a Hummingbird: So You Think You Can Conquer Sin.

The hummingbirds buzz around our porch making it hazardous to step outside. I have to remember, they're like bats. They swoop and hover and do their thing. Rarely do they hit you.

However, they have bravado.

Our cats, Allora and Ciao, love to watch them. They sit at the open window and study the birds.

One morning, one little bird noticed Allora behind the screen. He swooped at her, flailed his wings, fanned his tail and puffed his chest. This fellow made himself as big as can be.

Nothing but a flimsy screen separated his from our cats who have proved, time and again, that screen was no match for them.

Cat stalking a prey (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The bird gymnastics may work on other birds, but if my cat desired, that hummingbird would have been a tasty little snack.

It reminded me of us and our flirtation with sin. Genesis 4:7b says,  "And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door, and it's desire is for you, but you must master it." (NAS)  

How often do we toy with sin? We think we've conquered it, so we tease the devil. For me--I love a juicy tidbit of gossip, which I'm sure you do, as well. My flirtation comes with celebrity headlines on the magazines at the check outs. However, if someone I'm sitting with brings of a tempting morsel, what do I do? Am I a hummingbird flaunting my wings believing I'll scare the devil? Do I not leave the situation? Do I not recognize the screen of God's grace protecting me from forces stronger than I.

It goes for any sin. Adultery. Do you flirt? Drunkenness. Do you over imbibe? Theft. Do you hold onto items you forgot to scan at the checkout by mistake? Lies. Do you embellish the truth? Self-absorption. Do you twist every conversation to your interests.

Name the sin. See how you trifle with it.

The Genesis scripture always made me think of lions in wait. Allora restrained herself this day. If we think we can conquer sin, we need to think again.

Your Life As A NASCAR Race

The NASCAR Busch Series field at Texas Motor Speedway in April 2007 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You know your life resembles NASCAR. You race at incredible speeds, near misses, exhilarating moments, crashes, boredom, re-starts.

It's exhausting. Then the race ends and what do you have?

That's been my life lately. Family visited my new home in Jacksboro, Tennessee. We still hadn't adjusted to our new Southern home--we're transplanted from the Canadian border in NY.

English: Jacksboro, Tennessee, USA, viewed from the Cumberland Trail atop Cumberland Mountain. Cross Mountain dominates the horizon. US-25W approaches Cove Lake on the extreme right. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Long Island from a plane

Days began early. Ended late. Entertainment, tourism, visiting filled each day. Then I needed to travel north for my brother Alan's memorial. He died a year ago, was cremated, and we were going to bury him in the LI Sound.

To make things cheaper, I left with my Long Island family. Because I was so near Salem, MA I got to visit with my daughter and grandbabies. Returning to Long Island I had to hang around until we could gather on our family boat and celebrate Alan's life.

Did I mention? I had a publishing deadline to meet, critiques to make, blogs to write, bills to pay--all while entertaining family.

It all failed. Not the the family--the work.

Almost completely failed. I did meet my deadline, but my editor didn't get my manuscript. In the morass of her own NASCAR life, the file got buried. So maybe you can say all my busyness failed.

And the moral? How does my life concern yours?

We all hit these moments. Life piles up like a line of NASCAR drivers. Someone's on your tail. There's a wreck, the tedium seeps in when nothing's happening, then the race begins again.

But what really matters? The chores or the family?

Every time something cried out for me to complete, my family needed something. I chose them. I worked the essentials (my deadline, my blog) into the vortex, and celebrated my family.

My mother's 86. How much longer will I have her with me? My brother died at the age of 52. A good friend's baby died at age 2. We're not promised forever.

My husband called me every night, and I ached for him. No longer did I remember the little quirks that drive me nuts--like his insatiable corn on the cob eating or, well, I think I still have forgotten the quirks. Instead, I longed for the man. The one who keeps me company, tends to my concerns, adores me and needs my adoration. Although on hold for nearly two weeks, our reunion delighted us.

Stuff will always pile up. Do what you must to keep afloat. The rest is junk

Cherish the times with your family. They are the only things that matter.

The Skinny on Chocolate: It's a Health Food

"Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate." Deanna Troi, Star Trek: The Next Generation

I have to agree with Deanna Troi--forget love. Let me fall in chocolate.

Actually, as a child, that was my daydream--to get a Hershey bar as big as my bedroom and not have to share.

Why am I, like so many Americans (read on to see that I don't lie), obsessed with this delectable seed?

1. The very smell of chocolate increases theta waves in your brain. That makes you relax. Can you imagine me without my chocolate?
2. It's a great, natural anti-depressant. (Imagine what I would be like without chocolate!) It contains tryptophan which helps create serotonin. Forget the turkey. I want chocolate for Thanksgiving.
3. The inventor of the chocolate chip cookie was a brilliant individual. The recipe was sold to Nestle in return for a lifetime supply of chocolate. Who got the better end of the deal? Uh duh. It's obvious.
4.  A single chocolate chip can provide enough energy for an adult human to walk 150 feet. Thirty-five chips enables the adult to walk one mile. For 875,000 you can walk around the world.
5. It takes about 400 cacao beans to make one pound of chocolate.(See the illustration of the beans above).
6. And every second, Americans (collectively) eat 100 pounds of chocolate. That's a lot of beans.
7. Each person consumes 12 pounds of chocolate a year. (I personally make-up for the few who eat no chocolate.) 
8. Americans spend $7 billion dollars a year on chocolate. (I thought my budget was bad.)
9. Hershey produces 20-25 million kisses a day. Pucker up. It's like love.
10. Eating dark chocolate every day reduces your risk of heart disease by one-third. However, I don't think that extends to the quantities I consume them.
11. Chocolate has an anti-bacterial element that protects your teeth from decay.
12. Be careful. Good things need to be used in small doses. A lethal dose of chocolate (heavens, how could there be such a thing) is 22 pounds--about 40 Hershey bars.
13. The average chocolate bar has about 8 insect parts.
14. There's a pill that makes your fart smell like chocolate.
15. The original name for hot chocolate was cacahuatl. Translated it was cocoa water. The Europeans did not like drinking anything named caca water. Would you? 

Which is your favorite chocolate fact? Currently #14 is my favorite. What can you expect from caca water?

Garrison Keillor: Success from Disability

Have you ever been to Lake Wobegone--just a little north of St. Cloud? You probably know exactly where it is--after all--it's where "all the women are strong, all the men are good looking and all the children above average." It's middle America. It's us.

And sadly, after more than forty years, Garrison Keillor will retire. After all, he is 73. He's handed the reigns to Chris Thile, so Prairie Home Companion will continue.

Neil and I were fortunate to catch one of Keillor's shows on his farewell tour. He performed at the restored Tennessee Theater.

I knew Keillor was aging. Knew he wasn't a Robert Downey, Jr. I didn't expect the mellow storyteller to have Asperger's. He joked about it--said teachers, when he went to school, simply expected him to be a genius. Kids just knew he was weird.

The show was hysterical. The jokes Keillor-sharp. And he found this niche by accident.

He wanted to be a novelist. Took a "temporary" job in radio. Having been raised by fundamentalists, he knew the world was ending soon, so he didn't have to worry about a long career in radio.

Thank heavens he was wrong.

And bless God for directing steps.

I've worked with students with Asperger's. They are odd, often bright, but have difficulty in social situations. Radio is a perfect media. Keillor didn't have to make eye contact with audiences. He could ramble on in his stream of consciousness and define middle America. Audiences got to know him for who he really was, grew to love him and he succeeded.

I know you struggle with your deficiencies, too. They may not be as severe as Keillor's, they may be worse. However, God is able to work wonders with us just the way we are.

Look at the disciples. Peter was a brash rube. Thomas--dramatic and doubtful. Paul a murderous Pharisee. Still, Jesus took their weaknesses and made them their strengths. Peter became a church leader. Thomas gave us the definitive proclamation of Christ's deity. Paul unified the Roman kingdom for Christ.

What about you? Are you homely? Do you have to be a cover girl? Lily Tomlin isn't beautiful, still she became a fine and funny actress.

Are you slow-witted? I know many women who serve others with love and dedication, who make lives worth living even if they hadn't graduated high school.

Are you odd?

No. Definitely not. You are unique. Beautiful. Made with love and care and divinity.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" Ps.139:14.


Your weakness is a gift. After all, God's power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).

Were the HIroshima and Nagasaki Bombings Good News?

so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 1 Peter 1:7

Seventy-years-ago, the world blew up--almost literally.

The atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki killed tens of thousands of Japanese civilians. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On August 6, 1945 Hiroshima exploded when the United States dropped the first atomic bomb on the unsuspecting city. However, "Little Boy" couldn't convince the emperor to surrender, so on August 9, 1945, the United States sent a plutonium bombed nicknamed the "Fat Man" to finish the job. After the bombing of Nagasaki, World War II ended.

Was this a happy day?

Without the bombs, the war would drag on. Service men would die. Civilians would be cut down. The war could well advance onto American soil as the bombing of Pearl Harbor proved. Yet, the bomb in Hiroshima killed more than 150,000 innocent civilians. In Nagasaki, more than 80,000 lost their lives in the first few months.

The cities were wiped out. Only one building remained standing (of sorts) in Hiroshima, a memorial still in existence today.

Good news. No more war.
Bad news. So much grief.

Think of the World Trade Centers. Three thousand souls perished on that day. We still mourn.

Today we battle the advancement of nuclear weapons in unscrupulous governments. But Neil and I recently had the opportunity to visit Oak Ridge National Labs (ORNL), K-12 and the rest of the "Secret City" in Oak Ridge, Tennessee. Here they enriched uranium and made possible the creation of the atomic bomb.

Today we're down-sizing our bombs. But what did the nuclear age do besides end a war?

1. It keeps us safe. Russia or North Korea or fill-in-the-blanks, don't attack us because we can destroy them.
2. Nuclear medicine finds diseases we used to miss and allow us fuller and healthier lives.
3. We can heat and cool our homes more efficiently.
4. We improve the safety of food
5. It helps in archaeology--think of our carbon dating
6. Improves our mining abilities
7. These sites in Oak Ridge have now turned to nano-technology and 3-D printing. Pull out your phone or check something on your FitBit. These came about because of the atomic age.

You may be asking  why I bring this up. After all, this is a personal, not a scientific blog. What does this have to do with you?

Of course I can answer. We've all face misery. Many of us have minor catastrophes, perhaps comparable to a fire that destroys our homes. On the way home from Oak Ridge, we had a minor car accident when Neil backed into a cart-gathering machine in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

Then some face extreme tragedy such as the World Trade Center episodes--devastating and debilitating. Others suffer on the scale of a Hiroshima.

The question we need to consider is not the devastation, but the growth that can come from it. Hiroshima thrives today. The city restored itself. The population exceeds three million. 

And we like Japan. No one considers her our enemy.

God restores. From the ashes of tragedy can rise greatness.

How can you grow from adversity?